Almost Human
by A Wolf's Nightmare
Summary: Dr. Jack tries to take Aaron's brain to make him immortal. Will he win?
1. I'm not your guy, friend!

Mr. Jones sat in the house where he first met Dr. Jack. It wasn't that much. Just a two room place with a television, couch, bathroom, bedroom and a kitchen.

Anyway, Mr. Jones was there with a forlorn face. He couldn't believe that he ratted Dr. Jack out like that to the cops.

"Why did they have to take him instead of me?" Mr. Jones thought for a second. "Oh, right. I put him there."

He sighed. "It would be a hell lot more fun with him here." Mr. Jones looked around and sighed.

He missed his adventures with Dr. Jack. He missed having him around and being his sidekick. Those were the days! He remembered one time that he accidentally set Dr. Jack on fire.

"That was so funny!" Dr. Jones thought. "He had beaten me with a lead pipe that day."

He sighed in content. But that's all over since Dr. Jack is off in some prison.

"Hey, watch it man!" Dr. Jack shouted at another inmate as he walked through the courtyard.

"You got a problem with me here, buddy?" The muscular, gruff inmate asked.

"Yeah. First off, you are too big to be in this courtyard and second of all, I'm not your buddy, guy!"

The inmate scoffed. "I'm not your guy, friend."

"I'm not your friend, buddy!" Dr. Jack replied.

"I'm not your buddy, guy."

"I'm not your…"

"Will you two shut the hell up?!" An inmate yelled. The two looked at each other.

"You just watch yourself." The muscular man said as he left.

"Oh, I'm shaking in my size ten boots!" Dr. Jack taunted.

"You are crazy." The man said as he turned around. "And who wears a lab coat over the prison jumpsuit." Dr. Jack looked at his clothing.

"I think it's awesome." Then suddenly, a voice was heard from a microphone.

"Will Dr. Jack please go to the warrens office?" Dr. Jack face lit up.

"I must be going." He replied. And he left. He was escorted by two security guards into the office.

As he walked in he sat down. He saw a man with gray hair, mustache, and a '70's suit.

"What's the happening?" Dr. Jack said.

"Cut the bull." The warren said. "I am letting you go for good behavior."

"Really?" He asked.

"Yes. And…" Just then, the phone started to ring. "Oh shit! It's my wife!"

"What's wrong with her?" Dr. Jack asked.

"She scares the shit out of me." He replied.

"Alright, let me answer." The warren looked at him with uncertainty.

"Alright. But no funny business."

"Oakaly-dokaly!" He said with a smile and picked up the phone.

"Alright." The warren started. "I want you to sound sleepy… no, drowsy! Wait, angry!"

"What?" Dr. Jack asked. "Stop naming dwarves!" He yelled. He then proceeded to talk.

"Hello. The number you have dialed is not in service right now. Please hang up, drop your trousers and stick your finger up your ass. If you do that correctly, you'll be fucking yourself instead of the warren. Goodbye." He then hung up with the warren looking at him awestricken.

"You crazy son of a bitch…" The warren said with his jaw dropped.


	2. BARRELS!

Dr. Jack walked into the courthouse with two security guards. He also had a grin on his face.

"I have them now." He muttered. He stopped and the judge came up on stage.

"Dr. Jack. You have been charged with assault and battery. But, since of your behavior, we have decided to let you go." Dr. Jack sighed with relief.

"Thank you judge." Dr. Jack replied.

"I didn't tell you to talk." The judge said.

"Oh, sorry."

"I still didn't tell you to talk." Dr. Jack stood there silent. "That's better." The judge said.

"What shall we do with him?" One of the guards asked.

"Take him out to the entrance so he can get his papers. He is now a free man."

"Thank God!" Dr. Jack said. The judge then threw his gavel at him.

"I said don't talk!" The judge snapped. The two guards escorted Dr. Jack out of the courthouse.

They were met with a documenter and a lawyer.

"Here are your papers and my card." The lawyer said as he handed Dr. Jack the items.

"Let's see; a wallet, keys, a pen, a golden statue with a sword..."

"Stephano!" Dr. Jack exclaimed as he took it. "Did the Barrels hurt you, bro?" The lawyer sighed and walked off. Dr. Jack then went off to pay someone a visit.

"So bored." Mr. Jones said to himself. "It's so bored here without him."

He looked around the room again and sighed.

"There has to be something on the television." Mr. Jones then started to flick through channels.

"…_Please vote me, the keeper of the reaper…"_

"…_Scary-o, scary-o. I'm not scared from head to toe…"_

"_...Brains, Brains, its okay!"_

"Nothing good." He said with a sigh. "Just a Billy and Mandy marathon. I think I know a writer who likes that show." He muttered.

He then heard a knock on the door. "How can it be now?"

He walked over to the door and unlocked it. He opened it and found Dr. Jack standing there.

"Oh, Dr. Jack! You deliver pizza now? But I didn't order pizza. But you forgot the pizza anyway. Damn it! Pizza Hut messed up the orders again!"

"Mr. Jones!" Dr. Jack yelled as he shook him. "I'm out of prison!"

"You're… you're out of prison! Oh shit!"

"That's right oh shit." He said with a smile.

"Well, what are you doing here?" Mr. Jones asked as he let him in the house.

"Well, there are two things. One…" He then punched in the groin. Mr. Jones fell down with a grunt.

"That is for putting me in jail."

"Good call." Mr. Jones wheezed. "What's the second thing?"

"I need your help."

"With what?" He asked grunting in pain.

"I need your help getting that pesky wolf Aaron."


	3. You're Worst Nightmare

Aaron walked through the forest with a happy-go-lucky smile on his face. He had every right to be happy. He and Hutch had just adopted a new pup. Sure, he was a pain at first, but it turns out it was because he had no family.

Now, Aaron and Hutch are taking in Saul as their own. And neither of them couldn't be happier. Aaron walked with a skip in his step and headed to Humphrey's den.

"I might just want to surprise him with a visit." Aaron thought. He made his way through the forest and to Humphrey's den where he was talking to Kate.

"Oh, hey Aaron! Didn't expect you here." Humphrey said surprised.

"I knew you'd be surprised." Aaron replies with a smirk.

"Okay, why are you here? Shouldn't you be looking after Saul?" Kate asked judgmentally.

"Hutch is watching over for me today. We alternate babysitting for him. Just like how we alternate positions."

"I'm going to stop you right there." Humphrey said as he put his paw up. "I know where this is going and I don't want to be grossed out."

"Who said it was a sex joke?" Aaron asked innocently. Humphrey laughed.

He knew Aaron for a while and he could tell when a dirty joke was coming… no pun intended.

"You think I don't know you that well at this point?" Humphrey asked. "I know that you're a bisexual, dirty, smart-ass scientist who has two bumbling human enemies, a boyfriend who was the second in command, and have an orphan pup you're raising."

"Yeah, but you don't know what I do in my spare time." Aaron replied.

"What could you possibly do in your spare time?" Kate asked.

"I watch television…" Aaron replied shyly. Humphrey and Kate laughed.

"You are really something, Aaron." Humphrey chuckled.

"That's who I am." He replied. "Why don't you come and see Saul? He needs to see his Uncle Humphrey and Aunt Kate."

"That actually sounds good." Kate said. "He needs to know who everyone is in the pack." They soon left the den and made their way through the forest.

"I thought you said you'd move your den closer to where we are?" Humphrey asked.

"I'm trying. It's really hard to do that since of the kid. You know the economy and all." Aaron replied.

"The economy doesn't affect us. We're wolves!" Kate exclaimed.

"Well, you get my point." Aaron said as they walking. Humphrey ears then perked up.

"I think I hear something." Humphrey told them. He stopped and looked around. "Someone is here."

"Who?"

"Someone."

"Yeah, but who?" Kate asked.

"I said someone. I don't know who. It's someone." Humphrey replied. He then felt something strike his head. Kate and Aaron looked up and saw a stick strike the both of them.

The trio blacked-out for what seemed like hours. Aaron was the first one up.

"What the hell happened?" He asked. He looked around and saw that his eyes were still blurry.

"Damn it. My eyes hurt." Aaron's ears then perked up just like Humphrey's. He then heard two voices in front of him.

"I think he's awake." A figure said.

"Well, do something!" The other figure yelled.

"What should I do? Should I make him some coffee?" The first figure asked.

"Oh, shut up!" The second figure then smacked the first.

"Who are you two?" Aaron asked. The two looked at him.

"We're you're worst nightmare."


	4. I'm The Fairy Godmother!

"Who are you guys?" Aaron asked as his vision came back. What he saw wasn't pretty. He saw two humans standing in front of him. Of course, it was Dr. Jack and Mr. Jones.

He looked around and saw he was in the middle of the forest, surrounded by technology and trees. He let out a small gasp when he saw Humphrey and Kate lying next to him tied up. He tried to move, but he himself was tied.

"No use running." Dr. Jack said. "You are tied up and I will finally get rid of you." He then started to laughed manically.

"And then, we… will destroy you!" Mr. Jones added. Dr. Jack glared at him.

"That's basically what I said." He said annoyed.

"Yeah, well, I wanted to sum up." Mr. Jones replied. Dr. Jack sighed at his comment.

"Anyway, you see this machine over here, Aaron?" He pointed to a metallic, rectangular machine that was hooked up to a generator. It flashed with lights and a gauge in the middle.

"It's a futuristic toilet. Awesome." Aaron said sarcastically.

"No! It's my new invention. The Master Drain!"

"Really?" Aaron asked. Dr. Jack looked at him confused.

"I'm-I'm sorry?"

"The Master Drain? That's not that imaginative."

"Yes it is!"

"There is a teen in New York that has more imagination then you."

"Oh shut up!" He yelled as he smacked Aaron's face. Aaron started to whimper.

"There you go. Maybe you'll listen to me. Mr. Jones! Knock him out."

Mr. Jones walked towards him and stopped. He didn't know what to do.

"Um… pretend that you just woke up and you are very tired… and grumpy!"

Aaron didn't know what to say. "Stop naming dwarves!" He yelled.

"You need to go to sleep. You are very tired." Mr. Jones thought he was pretty good at this.

Suddenly, Mr. Jones started to yawn. "You need to… sleep…" He then closed his eyes and fell to the floor. He himself was asleep.

Dr. Jack groaned. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." He then took out a watch and swung it in Aaron's face.

"You really think that this is going to…" Aaron stopped as his eyes were then fixated. Dr. Jack laughed.

"Excellent. When I snap my fingers, you will fall into a deep sleep." He then counted to three and snapped his fingers. Aaron fell into a deep sleep.

"Excellent." He then started to wire the helmet to the machine. He was almost finished he realized something.

"Damn it." He turned around to Mr. Jones' sleeping body and kicked him.

"Get up, damn you!"

"What? Are-are you an angel?"

"Yes, I'm the fairy godmother. Now get the hell up." Mr. Jones got up to his feet and looked at Aaron.

"My hypnosis worked!"

"No, you fell asleep. I did the thing you failed to do."

"Oh." He replied as he saw Dr. Jack place the final wires on the helmet.

"Almost done. Soon, we will have his brain power."

"What happened?" Humphrey asked as he and Kate got up.


	5. Almost Human

Dr. Jack jerked his head towards the voice. He saw Humphrey and Kate started to wake up. They tried to break free, but it was no use. Dr. Jack smiled.

"What's going on?" Humphrey asked the human, thinking he wouldn't get an answer.

"You will see soon coyote." He said. Humphrey then knew who it was by his voice. He saw Aaron asleep and tied up.

"You're… you're…"

"I'm… I'm… shut up!" Dr. Jack yelled. Humphrey then turned to Kate.

"Kate! I know those two. Those idiots are the ones who kidnaped Aaron before." Humphrey explained. Kate was confused.

"What? They can't be…" She then saw Aaron tied up. "Oh God. They are! But wait, I don't understand why they want him?"

"Could you two shut up?!" Dr. Jack yelled.

"We won't let you get Aaron." Humphrey said crudely. Dr. Jack smiled.

"Ah, you understand me. I guess those potions you broke worked."

"Yeah, but I think your face will look good if I break it." Humphrey shouted.

"Feisty. You are next." He then turned around and went back to work. Kate then leaned to Humphrey.

"What are these guys talking about?" She asked.

"Remember those potions that I bumped into that made me an immortal genius?" She nodded. "Well, apparently he wanted to make himself immortal. And I think he is using Aaron's brain to get it."

"That is correct!" Dr. Jack said as he listened in. "You are one smart cookie."

"And you are one dumbass." Humphrey laughed. Dr. Jack was now enraged.

"Don't play with me. I tend to do stuff that I regret."

"The helmet is ready!" Mr. Jones said as he placed the helmet on Aaron's head.

"Excellent." Dr. Jack said to himself. "You two are about to witness something brilliant. Never again will I be almost human." He then started to walk over to the machine.

"What are we going to do?" Kate asked. Humphrey thought for a minute.

"'I tend to do things I might regret'. Sweet Jesus." Humphrey said to himself. He then spoke up to Dr. Jack "Hey, Dr. Butt-breath?!"

He turned around. "What?"

"Did you get a degree in ass-anomy?"

"What did you say?!" He shouted. Humphrey saw that Dr. Jack, the almost human idiot, had his hand on the lever that turned on the machine. This was his chance.

"I said if you like to study male asses?"

"No! What is the matter with you, you ass!"

"Ass or male ass?" Humphrey asked chuckling. Dr. Jack growled as he gripped the lever. He started to pull it towards him.

"You better stop that!"

"Or, what? You'll stop looking at male asses?" Dr. Jack screamed in anger as he pulled out the lever from the machine, breaking it in two. He charged at Humphrey but noticed the lever.

"What the…" Dr. Jack then looked backed. He screamed. "Oh no!"

"Oh, you broke it." Mr. Jones said. Dr. Jack glared at him. While all of this was happening, Humphrey secretly started to cut his rope. When the Dr. Jack and Mr. Jones were in a hot fight, he broke free and he quickly grabbed Kate and slung her over his shoulder.

He then went over to Aaron and removed the helmet and took him, Kate, and himself out of the place. Before he left, he looked over at the machine and saw a self-destruct button.

"Well, better broken." He pressed the button and a little screen popped up and showed a countdown from 15. He then quickly ran out of there as Dr. Jack and Mr. Jones were still fighting.

"…And, you always leave the toilet seat up!" Mr. Jones shouted. As Dr. Jack was about to replied, he turned and saw that the wolves were gone.

"What the hell happened to the wolves?" He asked. He then looked over at the machine which he saw was on 3.

"Oh, crap." He said as the machine exploded and the top was blown up into the sky. Dr. Jack backed away next to Mr. Jones as the machine continued to explode.

"What's that sound?" Mr. Jones asked as they both heard a whistling noise. They looked up and saw the top portion of the machine crashing through the trees and hitting the two idiots below. They were hurt, but not dead. Maybe some day, they will get Aaron.


End file.
